Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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