I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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