I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
