when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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