You can't motorboat a personality
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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