I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
