tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My bed smells like the plague
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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