I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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