I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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