It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
