fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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