my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I would ride that face into the sunset
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
