I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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