Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
