Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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