mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
