yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
