I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
