He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
