eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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