Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
