We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
