He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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