I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
