my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
