You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
