dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
