You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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