I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize