No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
