The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
