.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
