I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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