A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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