awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
