Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
