Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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