Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
