Moan for me like Helen Keller
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
