i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
