Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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