I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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