I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
