i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize