im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
