I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
