I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
