if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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