i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
