you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize