The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize