omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
