Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize