I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
