just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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