remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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